(Note to myself: remove the "prev" link from the navigation to encourage force people to read entries in chronological order.)
So: Pav.
[edited 12 April]
Having decided not to explain who Pav is, and to not do a cast list at this time, it would be reasonable for you to be pissed at me because I'm not giving you all the info you need for a meaningful reading experience. Go ahead and note me or send email if you want to tell me how much I suck.
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My mother, humanitarian that she is, devotes at least 50% of her time, energies and attention, on a daily basis, to Pav. Under the circumstances, given that there is much Pav can't do for herself, I should not be so resentful, but I am. I want my mother to myself again (albeit shared with my siblings, but that's okay). I want a relationship with my mother. I want to be able to talk to my mother. I want to be able to visit my mother without having to constantly defer to Pav's demands. I want my mother to be able to visit me. I do not want Pav in my house (and she can't be left on her own at mum's).
Given how infrequently Pav goes anywhere by herself it is hard to imagine her demise by any means other than traffic fatality, with my mother driving. This is why I have the monkey's paw thing happening.
No, she doesn't "have to" die, but if she doesn't, and if I don't, then I don't see how to avoid having her in my life, or at least, avoid having her interfere with my relationship with my mother.
If Pav didn't like me so much it might not be such a big deal - I could visit my mother in peace because Pav and I would avoid each other by mutual agreement.
But she does like me, and I suspect my mother actively encourages this. My mother knows I'm not comfortable with Pav, that dealing with her for any length of time over, say, half an hour, is stressful for me, but I think she thinks that it's good for me to have to have that kind of challenge happening.
Stress is bad. Stress is not good for me. I'm not going to put myself in a stressful situation if I can avoid it. Duh.
And so I don't visit my mother anywhere near as often as I'd like to. I think I've been three times so far this year. Ideally I'd like to go about once a fortnight. Last year I think it was maybe 6 times, tops.
Only once since Pav became a fixture in my mother's life have I been able to have my mother all to myself for a few hours. That was almost 18 months ago. It was good, but as a once-off, not good enough. Now that I've grown up sufficiently so as to be able to get along with my mother I need time alone with her on a regular basis. It's a reasonable thing for a person to want - their mother, face-to-face, adult-to-adult.
So I selfishly want Pav "out of the way", but because I have some kind of conscience I'm thinking monkey's paw every time I think about it directly.
In other words, if I get my selfish desire it's only "fair" that I don't get it how I want it - Pav goes, but so does my mother.
(If you're totally confused at this point, go back and read the previous entry. If you've read that and you're still confused you need to read the story. If you don't know what story I mean, go back and read the entry.)
I'm not in any hurry for my mother to die. Yes, I'd inherit something, but that's no motivation for wanting her dead. I do not want her dead. Just want to make this clear in case anyone's thinking of reporting me to "the authorities": I am not planning murder.
So if it happens - say, my mother runs up the back of a truck - will I be partly responsible, as in it was "premeditated"? Can I be prosecuted in any way? I don't know.
So there's this letter from Pav on my desk. I've been putting off opening it. If I'm going to ring my mother tonight (and I did say I would) I should open the damn thing first because she's sure to ask about it.
Here's hoping Pav doesn't answer. Here's hoping Pav doesn't insist on talking to me. I never know what to say and the "conversation" always has horrible long pauses in it...