H came over early Saturday evening, just briefly. For the purpose of raising more cash ASAP he was going to have a garage sale Sunday and I said I had some stuff he could sell (because I've never hocked (pawned) anything in my life and I'm not confident about doing that - and anyway, this was stuff I would be happy/content never to see again) - with the proceeds going into his petrol tank or food kitty or wherever it was needed, and I'd "add it to the tab" (which currently stands at $630).

So he came over to collect a pair of boots (which don't fit me properly and which I bitterly regret buying), my poor old leather jacket (which I haven't worn in ages and associate with a period of my life that is a closed chapter and would therefore rather not be reminded of anyway) and my bike, then he said that the bike wasn't really the kind of thing he'd want to sell at a garage sale so I said I'd Trading Post it instead (really, I hardly use it any more because I'm so leery of riding in traffic, and there isn't anywhere bike-friendly around here).

Then he decided he was going to take his cello, which I've been storing for him for the last year (K threatened to trash it, apparently, so he didn't want to keep it with him while he was still living in her house). So there was definitely no room for the bike, even though I said he could hock it if he wanted, then just never bother to put payments on it...

Anyway. We grabbed the stuff and he remarked on the good condition of the jacket and how the boots looked like they were brand new. "Not quite," I said. "Worn twice, both to [his former band's] gigs." He expressed surprise. Whatever.

We had a bit of a cuddle, just standing in the hallway, and he sighed in that certain way that means he's getting aroused.

I wasn't averse to a bit of hanky-panky but when he'd rung I'd been asleep and just as I was reaching for the phone I inadvertently farted... except it wasn't gas, it was a tiny bit of the runs. Which is Too Much Information, I'm sure, but it's why I didn't want to disrobe (hadn't had time between him ringing and me waking up properly and him arriving to have even a quick wash or change my clothes). I had cautioned him I was in desperate need of a bath...

So anyway, there we were, in the hall, him with his fly open, and I realised the front door was still ajar, so I went to shut that, then he received a little oral gratification. Okay, major oral gratification. :) But that's okay. Sometimes I actually want to do that. ;)

Except... despite this cold of his I'm still getting over my nose was functioning to a degree, and it seemed to me that either he hadn't washed his jeans in million years or else he'd fucked someone else in the immediate past. Just that smell... that particular smell.

I didn't say anything, of course. I never do. I just felt awful - insecure, horrible, insecure, jealous, horrible.

So he got his jollies and zipped himself back into his pants and gave me a little scalp rub, which is wonderful, and I thanked him for that and he thanked me for what I'd been doing to his head. ;)

Then he took the stuff and left.

Between Saturday night and Sunday night I could not help but dwell on this smell thing, so given he said he'd ring me Sunday and didn't, I rang him Sunday evening just as he was about to go out the door and he said he'd ring me later... and didn't... so I rang him back sometime after 10, catching him at dinner.

I found it suspicious that he had figured there was something on my mind - knowing him that's a pretty good indication of a guilty conscience (although he claims not to have a conscience and, given much of his behaviour, it's easy to believe that). So I asked the question I should not need to ask: "Are we in a relationship?"

Because if he's going around screwing any opportunity that presents itself, he needs an attitude adjustment.

I didn't mention that it seemed to me that his private parts had been in someone else's private parts very recently prior to his private parts being in my mouth, just that something he'd said about my boots (which I will not repeat here) made me feel that if he was capable of thinking of what might please others it was seriously unfair that he never did anything that made me feel like he was thinking of what might please me.

Sorry, I know this is cryptic but there are some things I won't divulge.

He reacted with a sort of shock, then went on to say that he'd "just got out of the frying pan" and was "only just starting to feel comfortable".

I said yes, I was aware of that, and I had been doing my best all year not to pressure him, and I wanted him to understand that it wasn't a material thing (like, I don't expect to be given presents and taken out to dinner all the time), but I'd been suppressing my needs all fucking year (five months now) and I had needed to have "a particular talk" with him in January but then he got sick and went to hospital, so I shelved it, and since then it has been one kind of mayhem after another so I have continued to keep it shelved, but I was "nearing the edge" and feeling very insecure, and I wanted some reassurance from him.

Instead of saying something simple like, "Oh, silly, you know I care about you!" he started prevaricating and changing the subject some, which, as I know, is a sure indication he's trying to avoid being direct with me because he wants to keep stringing me along.

He's never told me he cares about me. He's definitely never told me he loves me.

It gets so that I'm afraid to tell him I love him.

So it wasn't really resolved, but at least I managed not to burst into tears when I got off the phone.