email :: info :: cast :: extras :: diaryrings :: archives ::
bothersome things
00:11 Thu 5 June 03

With reference to 0602 and 0331a.

One of the things H said on Monday was that my asking (on the 31st of March) if I could come to a rehearsal had disturbed him, made him feel threatened (that wasn't his word, but I don't remember now what word he used).

I get a bad, bad feeling here.

Every other time he's dumped me to go off with someone else, one of the precursors is that he starts whining at me about "unreasonable" things I've said or asked of him. Apparently showing an interest in his music and asking to come to a rehearsal is "unreasonable" because it gives him a sort of stage fright.

Hello???

So if the real reason he doesn't want me to come to a rehearsal is it makes him self-conscious, why did he lie to me about it (saying that outsiders at rehearsals were a distraction, basically) back in March?

Incidentally, every "unreasonable" thing he's ever accused me of has been 100% untrue.

For him to bring up the rehearsal thing, which I haven't mentioned to him or brought up in any way since we went for coffee that time, rings alarm bells.

So, what to do?

Nothing.

I know from past experience that if he's decided to fuck someone else there's nothing I can do about it. Yelling and screaming about the injustice of it will just drive him away faster. It's quite possible that the only reason he's being nice to me at all at the moment is because I'm the only person who can bail him out financially. So maybe, after this loan goes through and I hand over $3k, if he goes all shitty on me at least then I'll know.

But there still won't be anything I can do about it.

It's not that I "don't learn" - I love him. He is the only man I want to be with. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to hear him introduce me to people as his girlfriend (which has never happened even though this is like the 4th time we've been together). I want, one day, to be absolutely sure he cares about me, even if he never says "the three magic words".

I'm not asking for much, just a normal relationship, and for him to be truthful and faithful.

I'm not the one with the problem.

RECENT ENTRIES
farewell
hasta la vista
an explanation
very bad karma
this little piggy...



feeling rather...


photo & layout copyright 2003: Nina, [email protected]