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I'm not here
19:19 Mon 23 June 03

My metal head is caving in
And I can feel the wires within
I think my heart is made of tin
I can't control the mood I'm in

I'm dying

I want to tell you what I feel
Something inside this solid steel
My circuitry, my reel-to-reel
My vocal chords are made of steel

I love you

You put me into overload
Sensors detect there's something wrong with me
You put me into overload
You'll never know what you have done to me

I haven't the faintest idea who sung that or what it's called. I heard it once when I was 11. I somehow memorised some of the words. If anyone knows what it is I'd be profoundly grateful if you would tell me.

I can hardly type, even.

Ugh, I just sneezed all over myself. :(

I have a really bad headache. I should go back to bed. I should take another Valium and sleep it off. (Begone, damned typo!)

Why am I even online? I don't know.

My head is all tight and nasty and my eyes hurt and my right ear is itching... And I have snot all down my front. I'm a mess.

I can't get an appointment with Weldon, either - he's booked solid this week, then away for two weeks after that. His receptionist said I should see his partner instead, if I was desperate. Well, yes, I'm desperate, but I don't trust any other damn doctor. But I have an appointment anyway, for 4pm Friday.

Right now I wish I had a cat. I want to go to bed and have a cat curl up on me, or next to me. It's been so long since I had a cat. :(

I want this headache to go away. It's just stress. Stupid stress headache.

H rang sometime this afternoon (I didn't check the time) to ask how things were going, and I said they were not going well and I felt like I was close to breaking point. Then he started going on about how James was expecting the rest of the money today and blah and blah and he was going to lose everything he had in hock, blah blah blah. I was left reeling - at what point did I tell him it was all gonna be fixed today? I didn't. He said he'd call me later.

So he called me later, wanting to drop by to use the bathroom. Oh, sure. (Then I had a dark vision of him slitting his wrists in my bath. Dunno where that idea came from.) He was in there an awfully long time. That's when the headache started, because I was afraid that if I called out he wouldn't answer, and I'd have to go in there and find... something horrible.

Eventually he coughed, so I knew he was still breathing, but the headache was here to stay. Damn that.

He came out and sat with me for about 10 minutes but he was yawning his head off. I said he should go home to bed. I tried to keep my hysterics under control but they did leak out a bit (in my voice, and the tears that refused to stay behind my eyes). We had an awkward hug. I wanted him to stay but not if he was just going to go to sleep and I was going to have to worry about what time to wake him up...

I needed him to say something nice to me but I couldn't ask for it.

So ... I feel completely broken inside. If he's "past the point of no return" financially because he stupidly told James he'd have the money today (when I gave him no reason to think that) ... there's nothing else I can do. There is nothing else I can sell or hock (well, I still want to sell the bike, but I haven't yet found anywhere that will take it). I can't magically produce any more money. Not in the next couple of days, anyway. I just have to wait. There is nothing else I can do. Meantimes if he bombs ... there will be even less of him for me. There is almost none anyway. I need a kind word, a gesture, something meaningful to keep me going. It's not forthcoming.

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