an incoherent life [v.3]� everything hurts

So. This fucking book, buzzed. Like every other fucking book (3 of them) I've tried to read this week, it contains stuff that I can't stand to read right now.

*clears all the crap off the document holder*

Janine and I have had this stable radius and diameter relationship thing going on for too long. Not in the few months sense, but in the seven years, three cities, two states, on, off, ad nauseum realm of too long. Actually, did I say stable relationship? Okay, it's more a San Andreas fault. A rocky thing, covered in slabs of snow which slip and slide closer to a disastrous avalanche month by month.

In 1996 she went back to university for some extra degree or something, and we just drifted apart whilst she lapsed into a brief period of undergraduate sex explicable only by her re-conversion to cask wine and homegrown mull. It all still embarrasses her. But we hooked up again. It always seems right getting back together, but isn't.

Now it's our seventh year of onning and offing...

Oh, and the blurb on the back which convinced me to buy the book...

Eight years after passing the audition for TV's 'Money Quest' quiz show, Paul Hetherby is still waiting for the call to appear on the program. Devoid of any life skills other than avoiding responsibility and memorising useless facts, Paul's obsession with becoming Australia's next quiz-master is rivalled only by a tragic devotion to his latest disorderly and not very successful rock band, Explosive Hits. Which leaves his long-suffering girlfriend a distant third.

Contemporary Australian fiction is always a drawcard for me.

So I bought this thing anywhere up to 2 years ago (I buy masses of books far too often (in terms of my budget) but rarely read them straight away) and at the time I read the blurb and thought something like kewl and bought it. Yeah.

And didn't make any connections.

But now I get to only page 13 of 328 and I stop, I have to stop.

Reason I'm trying to read something is to take my mind off the H situation enough to at least be able to go to sleep without having to open a vein first. But instead of being carried off into another world (which a good book should do, and up until now I would have happily said this was a good book) I have had my head slammed into a wall, as it were, and my nose rubbed in the way H does not treat me with the respect and courtesy due to a friend much less his girlfriend.

So I put the book down and tried calling his mobile but got the "Telstra wishes to inform you this number has been disconnected" message - so his phone really is offline... but it has occurred to me that he might have had it disconnected (the bill stuff is a lie) in order to get a new number because he's met someone else and he doesn't want me to be able to contact him (which of course I can't other than email, which he might never check again if he's got another acct for the same reason as changing his phone #, and the po box, and there's nothing to stop him throwing away, unread, anything from me).

So I got upset and after a bit checked my voicemail to see if I still had any stored messages - hopefully from him. That whole I just need to hear his voice thing. There was one, from the 4th, about the bed. Listened to it twice but it didn't help, which is frightening.

So now... so now... I don't know what I'm going to do.