Last May I was introduced to and had a conversation with Kaylee, formerly in H's band. I felt comfortable with her and after a couple of months of social contact I considered her a friend. She came over one afternoon and we drank wine and had a total girly session. ^_^

During that session she said something, in reference to H, which I found rather odd, but I didn't question it, just filed it away somewhere in my head.

A couple of months after that H said something, in reference to Kaylee, which, together with what Kaylee had said about H, made me think they'd had an affair, or at least casual sex, and that during the time that H was meant to be with me.

I didn't say anything about it to either of them.

In October I saw an old prog on TV which a former friend, Jacqueline, was in. Ah, bingo. Reason I'd felt comfortable with Kaylee was she looks kinda like Jacqueline. It'd just been so long since I saw Jax (she moved to England) that I had failed to make the connection before.

I do this - I meet people who remind me somehow (usually in appearance) of someone from my past, fail to realise it, but react subconsciously and "carry over" my behaviour, whether or not it's appropriate or justified with the new person. And I frequently get into difficulty that way (there was once a an evil colleague who reminded me of my favourite uncle, but that's a story for another time) - but I still don't learn.

So I thought I had this all figured out - Kaylee had reminded me of Jax and I'd done the stupid "carry over" behaviour and felt compelled to trust her and ... I got burned. Same old same old.

It did bother me a little, though. I mean, Jax and I were friends in the early 80s - that's a long time ago. For heaven's sakes. (Is my head even more fucked up than I already knew about??)

Then sometime yesterday, I forget how, it suddenly came to me that there was someone else I'd known more recently than Jax whom Kaylee must have reminded me of too (because this third person could be Jax's mother's twin sister if she was a few inches taller) - Pam, a counsellor I was seeing about 7 years ago. And Pam was one of the very few health practitioners I've ever dealt with who I trusted completely. I've had such a shit time with doctors and social workers and psychs and so on that I'm always wary, always on my guard, and I never trust them any more unless they earn my trust first.

I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now I'm mad at myself again.