Note for the curious: no, I did not speed-read my way through The Number of the Beast (556 pages) - I got up to page 84 and found that, as with Clay's Ark, it was making me too uncomfortable to proceed.

Opened the thingy from Pav. It's an easter card. She made it herself. I don't like it. I don't like that she decided to send me an easter card. Mum could have told her I'm anti-easter. (Well, I'm an atheist and I don't celebrate the commercial aspect either.)

I have seen quite a bit of Pav's artwork and I know she's capable of better. This card is just awful ...okay, not that bad. It's kinda pretty in a way, if you like looks-like-a-four-year-old-made-it "art". (And I do feel guilty for saying that, or even thinking it.)

Well.

Rang mum and didn't have much to say except that my Medicare card is still AWOL and I'm feeling absolutely crap.

She didn't have much to say either, except she was glad I'd got Pav's card and that it had been made and sent on Pav's own initiative (though mum had to dictate my address and do the actual mailing thereof).

I bit back my negative thoughts.

So it wasn't a very long call.

After that I became acutely aware that H hadn't called (even though he rang yesterday I need him to call me on Wednesdays so I have something to look forward to each fucking week).

Then some lyrics popped into my head so I went online to look them up coz I couldn't think who it was by...

Suddenly got really anxious about not having heard from him and realised that I am now back where I was a couple of years ago - with no means of contacting him.

I can't ring him at work because they don't put through personal calls.

I can't ring his mobile (celly) because it's been cut off.

I can't ring him at James' because I don't know the fucking number. I don't know James' surname. I don't know the address.

So I sent off an email which included the L7 lyrics (just to make my point) and asked him to PLEASE ring me as soon as he got that and tell me the bloody number at James' place.

But knowing what H is like with email he might not even check it for weeks yet.

He also has a PO box but, again, probably doesn't check it regularly.

So now I feel really godawful and sick and angry and upset and if I had any vodka I'd be chugging it back right now (wine is for enjoying; vodka is for getting drunk on) because I am NOT coping and the only way to make it through to another day is to knock myself out.

*reaches for valiums*

[edited 12 April]

In worst-case-scenario emergency I could ask his doctor, who used to be my GP (and treated me for a number of years and knows I'm not a psycho stalker), for his new home number. But probably the privacy laws wouldn't allow that even if Dr G was amenable...

[/edit]