Saturday 12th
H's former band were playing at a pub kinda near here but I didn't bother to go. H hadn't rung and he hadn't responded to the panicky email I sent Wednesday night, so I didn't feel up to going to the gig and being diplomatic about him with people he despises right now.
Sunday 13th
Met Nils for coffee, then went to a bistro for food although I was determined to be as drunk as possible (to be distractable and keep my mind off the H situation) so I only had a salad. I was cranky and shitty for several reasons, including H, and acutely feeling the withdrawal from my meds (having run out on Friday), and the weather (inclement), and such, so I wasn't very good company. I didn't want to talk to Nils about H although he said I should and "what are friends for", all that, but Nils is an ex goddammit and ... and and and.
The live music was pissing us off so we went to another pub and sat outside and continued to drink. By that time I really just wanted to go home but I didn't want to hurt Nils' feelings. Eventually I said that really it would be better if we went our separate ways (he had to work in the morning after all and I didn't want his hangover on my conscience) so we did, but I forget at what time.
Following his suggestion re the appalling situation of my local pharmacy refusing to fill my script repeat without my new Medicare card in their grubby little hands first I went to my old pharmacy (where they still remember me despite it not having been my regular for about 5 years) and whined at the guy behind the counter until he said okay and filled my script. Took two, came home and passed out.
Monday 14th
Left way early for my therapy appointment so I could go to the one pub in the area and have a few drinks first to desensitise myself so I wouldn't have total hysterics and risk him wanting to schedule me (put me in a mental hospital; it's happened before and I would like to avoid a repeat experience). The actual session sucked because all I could do was cry (and I admitted to having been as drunk as possible on the weekend so as to avoid doing wrongful things such as slicing open my jugular). Then Weldon said he was gonna take me off the meds anyway because they didn't seem to be helping. So I begged for more Valium to see me through. He wrote a script and a covering note so I could take it to the nearest pharmacy and they would fill it without seeing my new card.
Got the Valium then went walkies around the local shops, thinking I should give the alcohol more time to dissipate before I took one. Spent $60 in a toy shop on a fluffy bear and a cute lamb. Insane splurge... but by then I was feeling very spaced out and weird and scared. Went around the block one more time then over to the bus stop via one of the fast-food places and got a bottle of vegetable juice and a spinach pastry thingo. Waited til the bus came before I took just the one (these are 5mg whereas my previous lot were 2mg) then on a defeatist kinda whim rang H's mobile again expecting to get the goddam Telstra recorded message but actually got his voicemail so left a message saying please please please ring and give me your number at James' because not being able to contact you is making me sick...
Walked around a bit in town and spent about another $60 at a souvenir shop... got some cute animal fridge magnets and another cow stuffie and another letter opener (metal this time - the wooden one has trouble with some kinds of envelopes), and some more key rings (which I collect). Then got a bus home. About halfway H rang and was really hostile about me being whiny and needy and stuff. I begged and begged for his number at James' but he made me promise not to use it til he'd "cleared me" with James. WTF??
Got off the bus early so I could hear better and finished this convo leaning up against a shop window, and afterwards just felt like walking into traffic and ending it once and for all. So what it seemed to be was he hadn't told James he was seeing me (James and I have met, although it was years ago) and the situation is still that I can't ring him at home and I am still at his mercy... and when I need him I can just go to hell because it doesn't suit him to help me out.
Came home and found one piece of snail mail - my new Medicare card, if you please.
Cried for about an hour nonstop then rang Nils because something he'd said on Sunday had really bothered me and I wanted to sort it out "just in case" I decided to kill myself later...
It was a bad call. I hung up on him after about 5 minutes because he was making me so angry. He rang back almost straight away but I ignored it and cried more until I was all cried out, then I took another Valium and rang him back. I didn't want to admit it at the time but by the end of the call I was feeling better (though it could have been the second Valium). Went to sleep.
Tuesday 15th
Woke in the early hours severely disoriented and feeling scared and suicidal and took another Valium. Went back to sleep.
Slept most of the day. At some point started reading 2010: Odyssey Two (Arthur C Clarke).
H rang in the evening but somehow I missed it and only found his voicemail later. He'd said to call him after 8.30 so I did that and we had this very strained and fucked-up convo in which he said he would explain the situation to me "but not on the phone" and when he had some time we'd get together and he promised that when he'd explained it I'd understand why things were the way they were.
My instincts were screaming he's seeing someone else and I made myself ask if he was still interested in me. His initial reaction made me think no, he's not, and he wishes I'd had the sense not to ask... then he said yes, he was, so I said, okay, I just needed that reassurance... because twice in the past when he's been like this (avoidant and hostile and refusing to help me emotionally) it's been because he's met someone else and he's too much of a shit to be honest with me, instead keeps me stringing along because he's a selfish bastard.
Although I didn't say it exactly like that.
He was getting all whiny on me and I said to please not be like that, I was being calm and I wasn't whining or screaming at him or making accusations, then made sure he understood the only reason I was able to sound calm was I was all doped up on Valium again and that I had to be because the situation he'd put me in was making me crazy.
He promised we'd get together later in the week.
Wednesday 16th
Slept a lot. H rang in the evening and said K was being shitty about his stuff that was still at her house and he had to have it moved out by the weekend because her new flatmate was moving in then, so he wasn't sure when he'd have time to see me, but "maybe tomorrow".
Thursday 17th
In the hope of being able to meet H for coffee in the evening I went up to K street in the late arvo and fed myself some nice junk food and had two minor drinks that made me all spaced out and weird-feeling, and it kept raining on-and-off and there was nowhere to sit that was dry unless I went somewhere and paid, so I kept walking around and finally sent him an SMS around 7pm. I was back onto reading buzzed (Michael Witheford) so eventually I went back to the pub and had a coke and a bowl of chips and finally he rang me about 8 and said K was being really difficult and he was going to have to try to move his stuff in the rain, "what fun", etc, but he sounded normal and I decided it was all going to be okay if I could just somehow hang on for a bit longer...
He said he'd ring me tomorrow or I could ring him, whatever.
So I got a 4-pack of UDL and came home...