I didn't know, I really didn't know, whether to be immensely relieved or just a teensy bit sad. My ego was in shock for a moment. I asked myself, silently, why, if he wasn't in love with me, had I been pussyfooting around so many issues for so long... out of the fear of hurting him unnecessarily.
Later, when we went to Clay's to escape the godawful live music at the bistro, he seemed to be flirting with me and I was confused. When he went to the bathroom I whipped out my paper journal and scribbled the following:
N > little boys' room. wonder if he realises I'm suicidal? don't care either way, just wondering. need distraction. need distraction. need to be oblivious. totally panicked. really feeling the need to cut - not to die, not to hurt myself, not in anger, NEED TO CUT. need broken glass. want to go home & break glass. want to break a window and use that. want to not feel anything. if I'm to avoid killing myself either - H must call me or I have to not feel anything, or not feel anything till he calls me, or I have to die
I would actually have written more except Nils came back, so I stopped.
Nils is now #8 on my speed-dial. He was previously #2.