The overhead light in my room blew (that is, the bulb popped) this afternoon and instead of immediately changing it I've been pacing up and down the hallway (where the ladder lives) muttering obscenities because I hate going up the fucking ladder and I hate changing fucking light bulbs.

One of the problems of living alone: if I don't do it, it don't get done.

Meantimes my room is rather bloody dark.

Well, yeah, it's the very late evening; it's gonna be dark, right?

And only the light of the monitor to see by.

Of course I can't change the fucking thing now coz it's fucking dark, right?

See how much I annoy myself?

Fuck.

Technically there's a bedside lamp, but it's in the kitchen at the moment... coz the kitchen light blew too, and when it's wet like this all kinds of nasty buglets come in (spiders, slugs, spiders, cockroaches, spiders) and I cannot the fuck stand the idea of putting my hand on one or stepping on one, or being surprised by one as I traverse the little storage alcove between the kitchen and the bathroom.

Fuck fuck fuck.

...

My mother rang earlier. We were on the phone for about half an hour, but do you think I can remember a damn thing we said? 'Course not.

...

I'm annoyed at myself for not updating regularly.

I want to change my template.

I won't let myself change my template til I update.

Actually, I think I ought to keep one template for a month.

So I won't let myself change the template til the end of the month.

Will I have caught up by then?

I want to change my template.

It's not normal for me to use the same template for more than about a week.

There must be something wrong with me.

...

I haven't actually cut myself for 18 months, roughly. I'm pretty sure I haven't. Not on purpose, anyway. A couple of times when I've been drunk I've tripped over or slipped and grazed my leg or got a minor puncture wound from something, but that's not real SI.

I have been hurting myself in other ways, though. Like with my nails. I seem to do it rather compulsively, without thinking. I might even be doing it in my sleep. And sometimes I bite my lip on purpose, til it bleeds. And I pinch my earlobes (with my nails - very useful, they are), pinch them hard; although they don't bleed, they do bruise. And I pick at my cuticles, quite savagely sometimes.

And then there's all the stuff I can do to myself with food, like only let myself have one piece of one kind of food per day, or not let myself have any, and live off tea and cigarettes. After about three days I stop feeling hungry altogether.

I'm not anorexic. I don't have the drive for that.

I'm not bulimic. I don't really binge and I don't puke afterwards (not on purpose - food poisoning doesn't count).

Oh, I'm sorry - sometimes I do binge. I binge on oranges. Sometimes I just can't get enough oranges. The most I ate in one session was 13 (ooh, lucky 13). I had to lie down after that. Bad tummy ache. And then diarrhoea for a couple of days. *rolls eyes*

But when people say "binge" they generally mean (or at least, it is implied) that the food with which one is stuffing oneself is a) not natural produce in its unprocessed state, b) not nutritious, or c) if nutritious, that the nutritious content is negated by the "empty calories" or preservatives or other additives or whatever.

Carl is allergic to oranges. There may be something deep-and-meaningful in that, like maybe a childhood trauma (hopefully his)... as to why I love oranges so. I adore oranges. If I could only eat one fruit for the rest of my life it would be oranges, no contest. My brother is allergic to oranges and I adore them... So was the craving for oranges borne of my loathing of my brother, who can't eat them? (I'm supposing he can't eat any citrus fruit; should ask my mother about that)

Where am I going with this??

*blinks*

No, I don't know either.

...

Well, I think my point was that I'm pissed at myself for having fallen behind with entries, and that I want to change my template but I'm holding that off as the "reward" for getting entries up-to-date, and I think I should be a tad less impulsive than usual and keep the current layout (boxes v.2) til the end of the month.

Except I haven't actually made a new template yet and I have absolutely no idea what I want it to look like.

Fuck it. I'm going to take my pills.