So this was going to be the first time in a while I'd seen him twice in one week (once in two weeks is more like "the norm") and although it was not convenient that was only because I'm a hopless slacker (this being why I said I bring these things on myself). Not only had I still not finished setting up the puter stuff, I hadn't done anything with the rest of the place, either. I hoped he wouldn't want to use the bathroom (because to get there he would go through the lounge room, which was far worse than the last time he was here).

Had my shower. Didn't hear the doorbell but had a quick look up the hall anyway. Yep, shadow outside the door. Opened the door and hoped he hadn't been waiting long coz he'd have to wait another minute or two while I at least put underpants on and remembered where I'd put the keys (to open the screen door).

So we came into my room. Nowhere else to sit in the whole place because I've been slack (so I haven't watched any TV for two weeks either).

Although it had been three weeks since we'd had sex I really didn't want to. a) I'd just had a shower, tyvm (but again, it's my fault I didn't have a shower earlier, like, the day before), and b) it eats away at me that it's almost impossible for us to get together without having sex (unless we only meet in public).

I should be able to tell him when I don't want to screw.

But I can't.

I particularly didn't feel able to last night because I know how stressed he's been lately with the whole moving biz and crap with K and his health and his stupid job...

...and it's not like I didn't enjoy it anyway...

...but I ended up feeling used, which is what happens when a) I don't want to have sex but don't feel able to tell him, and b) it feels like he only came over to get laid.

He only rings when he wants something; he only comes over when he wants sex.

Generalisations, yeah, but...

Afterwards (ow, my back!) I wouldn't let him turn on any of the overhead lights and guided him to the bathroom by torchlight. After he'd washed we sat in my room for a while, huddled under a blanket, talking about this and that.

He does want to come over sometime and stay the night and see if we can't get rid of some of my stupid inhibitions. I didn't used to be so inhibited with him. I think it was dating Nils about 3 years ago that messed with my ability to be sexually expressive - almost everything H liked, Nils hated, so I retrained myself and I seem to have forgotten how to be openly sexual with H. Or maybe it's because I'm so much heavier now than I was the last time I can remember not being inhibited with H (which is about 8 years ago, dammit). My stomach - ewww. I hate my stomach. I also hate my boobs and my thighs and not to forget my ass, but I hate that disgusting fat tummy the most.

Of course, when I was a size 12 I thought I was fat and hideous then too, but...

Sigh.