Didn't finish Go Ask Alice - same problem as with the previous two books I started (got to a certain point and couldn't go on).

Today has been a total, total shit.

Still no call from H - and this is the main thing that's making me a nervous wreck. Too many "what if" thoughts. Like, if something happened to him, does James know that I have to be told? Bet he doesn't. Bet H hasn't even mentioned me to James yet (other than, maybe, as the source of the bed).

I am back where I was "in the bad old days" of our relationship (before H went to counselling and onto medication) - absolutely CRIPPLED by my isolation. Until I hear from him I can't do ANYTHING except be a total fuckup and cry all over the place.

So I've been carrying my mobile from room to room (even into the bathroom) because I can't bear the thought that I might miss his call if he calls - because he didn't think to give me James' number on Tuesday, so why would he suddenly think of it now? So if he rang and I missed it and he left a voicemail I'd still be in the same situation - unable to ring him back.

And I've noticed something - when I have the phone in my pocket it loses the network. I guess that's my body heat or electrical field in effect. Right, so I have to remember to pick it up and take it from place-to-place, and then remember not to leave it behind when I go to another room. That's another stress I don't need. And the other thing is that when I have it on the desk, next to my monitor, sometimes the display goes weird... and in the past this has been a rock-solid indication that the phone is going to ring in the next few seconds. But the last few days it hasn't. The display fucks up for half a second but the phone does. not. ring.

And my Medicare card didn't turn up today and as of today I am out of antidepressants. The thought of not having my pills absolutely terrifies me. I can't go back to how I was before. I can't. I will really want to die if that happens. I will not be able to stand it, the sense of doom all the time, the weeks-on-end fear of going out the door, the hating myself all the time. Oh god no.

At about 4.30pm I rang Dr Weldon's office and insisted on speaking to him (the receptionist always makes me feel like I'm being a whining nuisance when I ring up) and explained that I'd rescheduled this week's appointment (Monday) because of not having the card, but now I was in a really bad way because I was out of meds and the pharmacy was being facist about it and wouldn't refill my script without the actual physical card right there in their hands...

He assured me he could see me on Monday (14th) and bulk-bill me as usual without my new card being physically present, and said he could have his assistant ring Medicare on my behalf and find out what was going on and ring me back. It was about 2 hours before she did, though, by which time I was trying to find the pack of single-sided razors I bought a month ago and promptly mislaid... But the woman said she'd got onto Medicare and they said my current card doesn't expire til Feb 2010. "That'll be my new card, " I said, "the one I haven't got." She read me the new number - as I thought it would, only the last digit has changed.

So if I go to the pharmacy tomorrow and they still refuse to refill my script... I can ring Dr Weldon again and have him speak to them (god, is he in on Saturdays??), or else I can have major hysterics and show them what I'm like without my pills, or else I can just walk out the door and straight into traffic.

I'm not being dramatic here to get sympathy - this is how I feel.

If H would just ring I think I would be okay enough to get through the night without needing to cut.

I hate feeling like this.